Wednesday, 12 April 2017

Day 12 - chip chip chipping away at the pile
I know that it seems as if I'm making a bit of noise over small, writing-related achievements, but I've spent so long beating myself up for what I haven't achieved over the years that I decided to try a new tact. I am chipping away at my writing projects, every day; I'm moving forward. It all adds up, it's all steps towards completion. I feel that this warrants making some noise over it; for myself, and for others that may find themselves in a similar position. It's too easy to look over our shoulders and see those rejections, those discarded projects, missed opportunities etc and miss that we are actually "chip chip chipping away" at the pile. So for now I'll make a little noise when I add a few words to my total, when i complete another poem, when I have spent some time plotting and planning. It all counts in the end; it's all a part of the journey, a part of the process. Because beating myself up every day doesn't achieve anything positive; doesn't achieve anything worth celebrating.
#Campnanowrimo update: I began afresh on mapping out the stories within the book, and the characters already involved, so that I could identify where stories and characters can intersect more. I need at least 6 more characters for the stories that I already have; not background characters but main, or at least significant, characters. I realised that two separate story ideas could be combined into one story; and I realised that a couple of semi-important characters should be major players in other stories. All of this may sound confusing, and muddled, but the end result will be a stronger cohesive story (or stories with a story as the case is).  Over time I may add a few more stories, but for today I'll be moving forward with what I have.

I know that I said that I wouldn't get caught up with word totals; that the most important thing for me is to just move forward with the story, even if it was just a few words each day, and I mean that. But I'm also happy to note that over this last 12 days I have written 1700 words; bringing the total for the manuscript to over 20 000 words, and bringing me closer to my goal for this challenge.
#BYBin30 update: I didn't make as much progress with this story today as I would have liked, but I did note down a few realisations that could cause problems for my story, and for pr-aA sAt herself. I have worked out a temporary solution that will allow me to move forward with the story. I've also realised that I'm allowing fear to halt my progress on this book. It's something that I do with every book, every challenge. I permit the ghosts of the past to question my abilities; my abilities to write, to research and to complete the projects. I second guess myself, even though I know deep down that I am not out of my depth. All I can do is just keep chip chip chipping away, and try to drown out those voices; if I have to I can always turn up the volume and blast those voices away, at least for a while. But when you've been told constantly that you are stupid, when you are constantly made to prove yourself, it affects you in unexpected ways. Just the thought of making a mistake, of being called out for being a fraud, can make you freeze up. And trying to explain that to others that haven;t been there is challenging. They try to brush it off as something all writers go through; but this is linked to ghosts of the past, this is linked to bullying, to toxic former partners. Now that I have put this fear into words I can try to work around it, but it's going to take time, and it's going to require me to be a little more patient with myself. And we are back to where we started tonight; acknowledging the progress. Celebrating the small breakthroughs. 


Becky Fyfe said...

You know that voice you hear in your head that tells you you're not good enough, that your writing isn't good enough? - IT LIES!

Bron said...

I know that people generally have that voice in their head telling them that their writing sucks. But when you have issues such as PTSD and/or depression, when you have been abused, then the voice that tells you your writing sucks is a hell of a lot more toxic. It's the same voice that tells you that you are doing the world a favour if you check out; that you are worthless. Writing with a loud inner critic can be a challenge at the best of times; writing with this TOXIC voice is hell. This is a part of the reason that I am so open here about the challenges of writing with mental health issues; and it's part of the reason why I plan to create a writing course that covers that.

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